I am pleased to introduce Dr. Debra Otey to the Harbaugh Coaching Academy community.
Dr. Otey is the Head of School at Out-of-Door Academy in Sarasota, Florida. I have had the privilege of witnessing her introduction to Out-of-Door Academy as she finishes her second year as HOS. She has brought fresh air and light to such a valuable position. She laughs, cries and guides right along with faculty, staff, parents and students.
I was so happy my father, Jack Harbaugh, asked to share her 2024 commencement speech with the Harbaugh Coaching Academy audience. When she uses the word “teacher,” it can be easily be replaced with “coach.” My daughter, Ainsley, a member of this class, gives Dr. Otey high praise. Every day she goes above and beyond to create personal relationships and experiences with each member of the senior class.
–Joani Harbaugh Crean
For the first 8 years of my career, I taught English. We English teachers love words and writing. We often also have quirks and issues about common errors in the English language that get under our skin: like when people say, “Let’s keep it between you and I?” (It should be you and me.) Or when people say, “Where are my keys at?” Instead of saying, “Where are my keys?” (You can’t end a sentence with a preposition!)
We also stand firm on our love or hate of the Oxford comma and of course, the hairs on the back of our necks stand straight on end when we see the inaccurate usage of the ‘s, especially on people’s holiday cards! Eek!
I want to teach a little English lesson:
The difference between the words can and may. When my sons would ask, “Can I ride my bike? Can I go play in the backyard? Can I play Minecraft for another 30 minutes?” I would answer as any good parent with an English degree would: “I don’t know, can you?”
Friends, what you want to say when asking permission to do something is “may I?” “May I get some ice cream? May I stay at Dylan’s house? May I drive your car to prom?”
Can is used to express ability, while may is used to ask permission.
Today marks a transition for you, maybe not a 100% transition, but at least (starting in August) a 50% transition.
You will be asking much less “May I?” of someone else. You will need to start telling yourself much more: “I CAN.”
Sure, you will still ask “May I go to Cancun for spring break?” or “May I buy a few (hundred) things on your Amazon account?” This is up to 50% of your life’s responsibility, funding, and respect that is still owed to your parents. I am not setting you totally loose today, and you’re smart enough to know that you’re not ready for all of that anyway!
Today, I want to remind you that you CAN do so much! You are able! You can move to the next stage of life. You can learn independently. You can share a dorm room and even a bathroom! You can make new friends. You can face a challenge and win. You’re also able to face a challenge and lose, and still learn! (And that’s a win!) You are able!
No one told me this when I was your age. I was focused and taught what I should do, but I wasn’t encouraged to consider what I could do. I’m not saying this to foster some great rebellion. I’m saying this to inspire you to expand, to grow, to experience!
There are aspects of the next 4 (or 5) years that are not as accessible once you grow up and grow old. Opportunities for leadership, Greek life, classes, clubs, ensembles, sports, and research. Opportunities to volunteer and to travel. There are even cool coffee shops to find! Get out of your comfort zone! You can do it!
I thought I would use another English teacher trick and give an acronym for the word CAN!
Let’s start with the letter C: Courage
As an experienced college parent, there have been times when I was so proud of my boys for trying something new, and there have been times when my frustration has boiled because they are squandering away amazing opportunities. (I think I may not be my best self during these times because it makes me want to go back to college and take advantage of all that I didn’t try or do. Right, parents?)
I’m going to remind you once more, graduates…
You have a strong academic foundation. You can think; You can discern. You can be positive! You can take action! You have a loving family; you even have non-family mentors that you can call on (many in this room). You are even likable! So please do not shy away from being courageous!
Go to the freshman mixer, show up for a club meeting, stay after class and ask questions to your professor, say “Hello” to the person beside you in class, and audition for a musical or an ensemble. You can do all these things. Sometimes it just takes courage!
We started with C for courage.
Now, A = Agency
Google says: Agency refers to the capacity of individuals to act or make decisions on their own behalf. It involves the ability to make choices and take actions independently.
Now agency requires some forethought. What is your goal? What is the plan to achieve that goal? Will this decision get you closer to the goal or push you back, farther away from the goal?
Let’s have an honest moment here: You are in your late teens – and sometime in the next 4 years you will have some reflex reactions that are not examples of agency. These decisions will hold you back. They will sideline you, but they shouldn’t stop you.
Make every experience (positive or negative) a learning one. I always tell folks I will make plenty of mistakes, but I will learn from them and do my best not to make the same ones twice.
Both of my sons had a 1st-grade teacher, Mrs. Riley. She told all her students something that I still try to live by: “Worst first; best last.”
What does that have to do with agency? Well, agency requires intentionality, and intentionality requires discipline. Whatever you don’t want to do (and let’s face it, everyone in this room has something they have to do in the next two days that they don’t want to do.) Do it first!! Make your bed, wash your dishes, do your laundry, study, call your mom, text your siblings, get up and work out! Save the best for last – time with friends or binge-watching your favorite Netflix show.
Your agency will thrive once you prioritize discipline! Your intentional decisions will propel you forward and make you an agent of your own success!
You CAN do this! And the good or bad news is no one else can do it for you!
So, we said C is for courage.
A is for agency.
Finally, N.
When I got to this point in the speech, I was on a role, but I could not think of a good word for N. I even googled it: “Positive words that start with N.” Nothing caught my eye! So, we’re going to use the word “no” and match it with a helpful partner word. No excuses!
I just said that you are the person who can! Someone can’t can for you. If and when your actions are not productive or even helpful, you are the only person who can own them.
Do not miss the first club meeting because someone won’t go with you. Do not get stuck out late without a friend or a ride. Do not compromise your integrity for academic or social gain. Most importantly do not make it someone else’s fault when you do!
A sign of maturity is ownership. You are building a life, and the next 4 years are a time for you to build upon the strong foundation that you have been given!
Okay – I’m about finished.
Let’s review.
There will be times in the near future when you are not required to ask permission. You must decide that you can do things!
How can you do it?
C = Courage
You have what it takes, and we believe in you. Don’t doubt. As the Master Yoda says: “Do or do not, there is no try.”
A = Agency
You have a lot of cheerleaders here today, but starting now, you’ve got to be your own cheerleader, too! Find the discipline; make the goals; follow the plans.
N = No Excuses
Life can either be about what happens to you or what is accomplished by you! Oh, that sounds like adulting, Dr. Otey. Yes, it does! But it is awesome! It is one of life’s greatest gifts! Embrace your future and own it. No excuses.
So, to close today, let me say personally how proud I am of each of you, and how grateful I am that we were able to spend time together this year. I hope you visit because we will always be cheering for you.
I will restate what I said at the beginning of the speech: You are talented, passionate, and kind. Two more descriptor words that I will use to wrap up our English lesson about may and can: You are competent and capable!
I will leave you with a powerful yet humble quote from the American poet, musician, and the Piano man himself, Billy Joel, who once said in an interview about himself: “I’m competent in an incompetent world, and when you’re competent, you look extraordinary.”
Debra Otey, Head of School, The Out-of-Door Academy 2024 Commencement Speech to the 2024 Graduating Class